What a fucking waste of an outfit
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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