remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize