man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
