you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
