I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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