1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
