There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
