Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All the doctor said was why
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize