I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
