I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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