she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
