his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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