I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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