after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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