somebody snuck up and got me drunk
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
