My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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