Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize