I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize