What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
