yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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