I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
