Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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