good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
