If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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