the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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