dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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