Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
