He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
