I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
