I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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