On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i will never coherently bang her
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
