I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
