I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
