well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize