Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize