White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
