we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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