her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
