"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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