woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
