Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
