I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
