You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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