i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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