wake up i wanna do it froggy style
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
