Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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