We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
