Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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