Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
