please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
