I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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