I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
