I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
