Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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