I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
