I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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