wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
