I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
