If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
