Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
