New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
