I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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