Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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