We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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